Loneliness - Social or Emotional?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The confusion never stops. There is a need to know who you are as well as a need to play a role in a social group. The first discovers all the ways you are, and the second, all the ways you can belong to the group. The first builds a relation with yourself. The second, a relation with the group.

Lonely

Yet "Loneliness" is used everywhere for both emotional and social needs. Maybe we should use "Alienation" just for the social need.

"Shaking off Loneliness", an article in the NY Times, 5-14-13, quotes Caciappo (2008) about the ill health that goes with loneliness: "social isolation is on a par with high blood pressure obesity, lack of exercise or smoking as a risk factor". The problem: he uses the UCLA Loneliness Scale, which confuses intimacy with a single person with social participation. Other tests make this distinction, i.e. the Social and Emotional Loneliness Scale.

In fact, his chapter titled "Knowing Thyself, among Others" is mostly about empathy for others.

Social acceptance doesn't overcome loneliness. Facebook has been shown to help social acceptance, but not loneliness. Young (2003) and others agree we have needs for nurturance and support, not just for fitting in. Andre (1991) holds up "Positive Solitude" as a virtue in which you learn to have a good relation with yourself, instead of "unproductively comparing your life with that of another". On the other hand, Laing (1965) shows how the lack of self-disclosure can lead to much outward sociability that is all "fake".

In the end, both needs are genuine: a need for uniqueness and a need to belong. They can both get along. Why confuse the two?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Greed - A Way of Life or a Trap?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Envy abounds, even in the youngest. A child is so quick to grab a toy from a playmate's hand, without a thought. Squabble, tears and retaliation soon follow.

The playmate's joy in his toys makes them more desirable than his own. Neglected toys are rarely swiped. The emotion of envy grows into "What else am I missing out on?" The attitude forms, "I don't have it because they have it". Envy recruits competition and aggressiveness. In time, with the social ranking in the teens and the feelings of insecurity that envy recruits, greed blossoms. Now our sense of self-worth and importance are on the line. Greed becomes a way of life.

Mine!

Once, a bumper sticker I saw read. "What the Hell, I want it all!".

But, hey, let's face the facts! Many studies show that those who strongly value the pursuit of wealth have more depression, more physical ailments, and more relationship problems. Clinically, there is more OCD,  likelihood of ADHD, isolation, passive-aggression, poor impulse control, and more. Studies also show that, with increasing wealth, a person has less regard for another point of view, i.e. less empathy. The more materialistic, the less generous and trusting we become. Beyond caring for basic needs and comfort, pursuing wealth makes for "lower psychological well-being".

The wealthy do not play with their toys, but store them or display them.

Now and then, we dare talk about greed openly. In the May 18 NY Times, the reviewer of The Great Gatsby, referring also to "Spring Breakers", "The Bling Ring" and other movies, concludes "This is how we live: greedily, enviously, superficially, in a state of endless, self-justifying desire". But the most articulate writers are silent on this subject.

Even more to the point, Edney (2005) declares "It is time that greed be listed in DSM IV. With well directed psychological research of course greed will turn out to be a personality trait with a distribution in the population, and personality tests will be able to screen for extremes." The extreme of greed would be a personality disorder.

Well, what do you think? Do we take the mythology out of greed and treat it? Gratitude, instead of greed?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Fear of the Worst Health Report

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Just checking

That funny lump, poor sleep, the spacy feeling all day - fear can keep you from checking it out and getting the reassurance you need.

On Health (CR, May, 2013) tells us that 38% of those over 50 have never had a colonscopy, despite 90% accuracy by screening. Fear puts off screenings and care for cancer, stroke, heart attacks and much more. And who doesn't have a fear of needles, dentists, side effects, and  hospitals? Emotional problems of panic, anxiety and depression can be put off even though these conditions are well known and very treatable. In our center's study, sufferers of panic put off their first appointment for an average of 9 years!

Fear is more than the catch phrase, "fight or flight". Please add; "freeze". This often begins a habit of actively avoiding whatever might remind you of your worry. Changing the subject, procrastinating, waiting and see, hoping for the best, minimizing, covering up, repressing, compensating elsewhere -
it's a full time job!

I would add "facing up" to the three catch phrases above. This means facing your fears of what it could be - and not be. Describing it completely, even writing your experience down, is the first step to facing up. That history could be very helpful to your therapist, too.

Second, tell someone who cares about it. You may get the comfort of someone with similar experience and good direction to a specialist. Of course, you get relief just from sharing it.

Third, get an experienced practitioner online, if you don't have one yourself. Insist on a good diagnostician if you don't know your condition. If you do, insist that the doctor/therapist have some specialization with your condition.

Then, for your appointment, bring along a your spouse or a friend. It can be reassuring to have someone who will ask questions, share what you find, or just distract you from your worries. Your partner will help you get and remember the whole picture, as well as the overall plan.

Congratulations! If you can do all the above you have earned the virtue of Courage. You have faced up to what it is, its limits, what you can do about it, and how others can help. Now you can get on with who and what matters in your life.

"Facing up" frees you.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

In Awe - The Plant Tales of New Mexico

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

A Wonder

The emotion of awe is the wondrous, sometimes unexpected realization you are part of something so much bigger.

Outside the back door of our home in New Mexico was land that I learned was undisturbed for 5 million years. Here are some of the wonders of its living plants whose ancestors were that old.

A roadside plant often grows alone, inconspicuously, looking whitish-green. It becomes surprisingly sturdy, with branches with buds at the tips, growing to about 2 feet.  By then it is chalky-white with streaks of green at the tips. The flowers, pure white, bloom only at night and close up quickly at sunrise. No bees seem to visit, but perhaps the night moth does. This solitary plant I call the "Ghost Plant".

A small nest of twigs starts in early Spring, looking quite fragile. With amazing speed, by June it grows into a miniature rounded Oak tree about 5 feet tall, without a single leaf, just pale green branches.  Its shape is globular, symmetrical, and exquisitely branched. By the end of July, it has turned, just as quickly, into a brown, still leafless statuette. This is the "Desert Bonsai".

A white buttercup starts up in late Spring, growing with others in large groupings. In about a month, slender green tendrils grow out close to the ground, sometimes leading to new flowers. These tendrils snake and weave, and grow and grow, until there is a mat woven about 2 inches thick, quite tangled and nearly impenetrable.  Such a cute beginning!  I call this "Tanglefoot".

A common plant in the high desert starts in early spring looking just like a dandelion: flat, splayed, serrated. Then a sprout develops in the middle. An asparagus? A vine? No, it grows into a tall dandelion, the same leaves around a sturdy, tall stalk. Then, in July, after reaching 3 - 4 feet, it shoots off a corona of lacy branches at the top with a burst of tiny, yellow star-flowers. The "Dandelion Rocket".

A solemn plant resembles a grouping of hands of monks pointing to the sky, cupped in prayer. They take turns  blooming, the "fingers" becoming a circle of green spikes around a pale, yellow flower, like a medieval turret. They all turn to greet the rising sun. The "Monk's Salutation".

All these wonders made me reverent and awed at the ancient high desert land and plants. I, too, evolved from some such ancient landscape, a larger whole.  I learned to tread carefully.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Emotions are Good for You - Yum!

 

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Each emotions tells you that you have a need - is that so bad? Yet emotions are often demonized as irrational, needless, misleading, negative, upsetting, and even sin itself.

Let's face it. We are hard wired for emotions.  Panksepp and others agree we share all our basic emotions with all warm-blooded animals. Emotions happen all the time and we can have emotions about anything. And a single emotion involves our whole being: physiology, sensation, brain functions, appraisal, urge to act, and the complexity of thought and belief.

Emotions

In short, emotions give us energy and direction. So what are we to do with them?

Our strongest emotions are about things that matter most to us. We have little feeling for things that do not matter. The evidence is that emotions tell us very quickly where we stand about some event, whether it is beneficial or not. More importantly, emotions give us direction and a urge to act, but of a very general sort. How we do act on them determines whether we will get upset, entangled in them and defeat ourselves - or whether they lead to satisfaction and fulfillment.

Anger tells us we are frustrated in some need, but it could lead to blame and revenge - or - to assertiveness and determination. Fear tells us to face up to a threat. Sadness tells us to let go and renew hope. Affection tells us to engage and get close to who/what we love. Each emotion has a purpose.

With no emotion, we can end up painfully bored, having no desires, distant from everyone, or incapable of making decisions.

It has taken me a lifetime to find the purpose of each emotion and untangle it from mess we make of misusing our emotions. That is the focus of my book, The Purpose of Emotions, and the self-help books on each of the 14 basic emotions.

Each emotion can be fulfilled and completed. Isn't that yummy?

About Dr. Raynard Dr.
Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Crowdfunding - Personal Support for Your Start-Up

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Now start-ups can get funded by people who just like your idea and can put up a few bucks, rather than by equity funding, IPO's and other venture capital groups.

A New Way

Traditional funding for start-up companies relies on proven concepts and the potential for big profits. It call for much paperwork - budgeting, projections, presentations - and just the right contacts. It calls for big money, too.

Crowdfunding means that you can raise money online from those who just like your idea and want to support it in a small way, a few dollars up front. Now you can reel out a great idea online, maybe one you have been thinking of a long time, and have at least the beginnings of a workable project  In a sense, your marketing has been done before the product is delivered. This is very different from the traditional marketing and public relation approach

Maybe the biggest difference is that you build a community around your project who will offer their advice and experience, and cheer you on your way. They will give you feedback as your project develops and help things move along. They don't expect a return on investment, just being part of something they believe in.

Kickstarter is one site for this grassroots venture capital. Amazingly, Yancey Strickler, its co-founder, has directed over $435 million into about 37,000 projects. You can see some fascinating start-up inventions in Popular Science (May, 2013).

You can imagine that much innovation will get under way that has bogged down from a lack of support, isolation, and needed feedback. And imagine the stimulus that comes from those who believe in you and are cheering you on!

Viva crowdfunding!

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Aging is Good Deal

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Good News! As you get older, negative emotions decline and emotional well-being increases. This is based on 340,000 people surveyed by Gallup (2010), no small number.

It was in the period from 55 to 65 years that showed the greatest drop in stress, worry and anger, although all generally dropped from about age 25 on.

Satisfaction

Not only that, but marriages were more satisfying and had more positive experiences, even when the partners quarrel, according to another study. In fact, there was more satisfaction with friendships and relationships in general. It is attributed to more regular and open expression of affection, even when conflicts arise.

Social bonds turned out to be smaller, but closer with friends and relatives. Actually, he most consistent predictor of well-being for social relationships was volunteering - from lending a helping hand to doing community work.

One study sort of sums it up: people are more wise in the old age, with more ranking in the top 20% on "wisdom performance". This means, the ability to see other's points of view, to compromise, to appreciate the limits of knowledge, and manage disputes. They are open to new experiences and perspectives.

Another study found that older folk are generally happier in their day-to-day activities and when they participate in leisure and physical activities. My guess is that with age you sort out what works for you and what doesn't and that experience counts. Has anyone made a movie about this?

This may go against accepted opinion that when older, you are bound to be more grumpy, more reclusive, and unsure of yourself, and so on. Lots of movies for this genre.

You can check this out on a well-documented article in On Health (Consumer Rep, May 2013).


About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Is insecurity an emotion?

by Richard C. Raynard,
 Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

I believe "insecurity" is an emotion, but it is easy to get tongue-tied trying to put it into words.

I don't mean "security" as in a financial asset. Nor is it "security" in the sense of a protection system. Nor is it meaning safe and sound. And it's not like being secured with a rope.


A bit nervous

I am trying to describe the feeling that goes with caring for yourself - self-care.

One problem is that most of the words that involve attention to yourself sound - well - selfish, like self-interest, self-improvement, self-promotion, or self-love. The fact is, we do not have a single word that means just taking good care of ourselves.

If you don't know how to take care of yourself, it certainly shows. You may look helpless and childlike, as if you are flapping your arms. You make look jittery and uncertain about everything. Or, you can look like you are always in trouble from neglecting or overlooking things. If you don't like looking insecure, you may try to pull off a swagger and be mouthy to get some respect.

On the other hand, if you are secure, you know how to look after your needs. It's more than just being competent and handy.It's recognizing that feeling you need to take care of something and acting on it.

What do you think? Have I carved out a working definition of the emotion? It probably is the foundation of what we call assurance and self-esteem.

Let me have your vote.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Resilience - Bouncing Back from the Marathon Events

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist


After the marathon bombings, what do we do with the emotions aroused?  Is there any direction we can take from such events?

The Marathon bombings captured all the major features of a real-life reality show, with all its danger, drama and uncertain outcome.  The lockdown of a major city was unprecedented. The convergence of internet informants, police, fire and rescue, FBI, homeland security, neighbors, and more was astounding and fearful, both at once. And to bring it home, there were the emotional interviews of survivors, relatives, onlookers and media talk hosts.

Grateful

But Showtime it wasn't for many of us who are sensitive, troubled and even shaken by such events. Where on earth do we put such an event in the flow of our workaday and family life?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from stress or trauma. The evidence is that the resilient can both face up to the harsh reality and get on with what they care about more, at the same time. Bonanno et al (2007) show that the very depressed come back sooner by going back and forth between the tears of a terrible loss and engagement with what they love about life.  No contradiction - they take turns, since you can't do both at once.

The resilient stick to their routines and habits and find comfort in them. They help others, as well as ask for help, all of which keeps you connected to friends and family and to share your own troubles. The resilient actually play off these horrendous events to affirm what really matters in their lives and renew their relationships with family, friends, work and all else (Ong et al, 2006).

We see how easily our lives can be changed or lost, and feel grateful and abundant.

A survivor, not a victim.


About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Bomb of Loneliness and Alienation

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

In the Marathon bombing, there were few things that we learned about the interior life of the 26 year old leader, married and a trained boxer. However, it slipped out in his own words that he had no close friend. Also, he felt he didn't fit in with the American culture.


 

Loneliness

 The first, no close friend, is an earmark of the emotion of loneliness, where no one accepts you for who you are and stands beside you in everything. The second is the emotion (for which we have no word) for the need to belong. In belonging, we find our role and place in the larger community, a role that both honors our own needs and that of the group.

Most of the news and commentary in the weekend after the bombing was about the Al Qaida connection, the Chechnya resistance, internet fanaticism, the global Jihad, Homeland Security, etc. These external influences were calls for alarm and opposition, not feeling.

 

Are you willing to plunge into the world of prolonged loneliness and alienation?

 

R. Laing (1959) has shown the  disastrous effects of prolonged loneliness: you have no one who recognizes your most valued experiences, or the most hurtful trauma, or your worst self-doubts. By becoming secretive, you live in fear of being found out, exposed and condemned for who you are. The lonely person learns to put on a face of ease and affability, or whatever, just to get by.  Over time he feels more and more phony and starts to believe others are phony, too. At the extreme, he is contemptuous of the fakeness and lack of meaning around him. Disillusioned, he comes to despise and hate others

 

Cacioppo and Patrick (2008) sum it up: in extreme loneliness, "we mimic others more intensely" and at the same time "betrayal and rejection is lurking around every corner".

 

Hoffer (1951) shows how those who don't belong - marginalized or out of the mainstream - have a loss of a sense of self-worth and blame and hate others for what they see as lack of respect.  If they fail at finding where they belong, they can feel life is over, or "spoiled". He believes they are vulnerable to joining a cause, an alienated group, or a sect that promises redemption, even self-sacrifice, to a glorious cause.

 

Attention to all the external influences does not address the needs of these emotions, and can make us feel overwhelmed by powerful forces. In contrast, looking at the emotions and motives of the person leads us to prevention, early detection and opening up the means of participation in community life. The emotions of loneliness and the need to belong are recognizable to all and lead to constructive change and fulfillment.

 

What do you think?

 

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Spotting the Potential for School Shooting

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

What do we do now that Congress has tabled gun control, except for the possibility of financial support for related mental health resources?

Fuming kid

It's no secret that community health centers have been eliminated for over 30 years. Still, assuming the lawmakers mean to focus on the prevention of school shootings, those who teach and advise students have the opportunity to be first-detectors (not first responders!) for students at risk of school shootings.

Here are some facts to contend with that do not often appear in the media.

Half of all homes have guns, some 300 million guns; half of these do not lock away their guns from children. A handgun is 43 times more likely to be use for murder or suicide than for self-defense (Berkowitz, 1993; Sege & Licenziato, 2001). Murder is the 4th leading cause of death among children.  Between 1980 and 1997 there were 20,000 murders (Meichenbaum,2001).

Now for more encouraging facts. For those of school age, the basics of violence have been known for some time. Meichenbaum (2001) alone lists over 900 references to different studies. (Please, Congress, don't just vote for further studies!)  Even more encouraging, there are many studies of gender differences, early development, bullying, consistency of aggression, school behavior, conduct problems, effective parenting, early trauma, and more - all relating to school violence.

Here is a partial list of early warnings for the risk of school shooting, from several sources:

Individual Factors
Having a detailed plan, blaming others for problems, threats of violence, cruelty to animals, violent writings or drawings (and more).

Family Influence:
Lack of parental supervision, victim of abuse or neglect, lack of warm family relations

School Behaviors:  
Poor social skills, rejected by peers, picked on, socially isolated, intolerant, antisocial peer group

Situational Factors:
Access to firearms, fascination for weapons, preoccupation with violent media

Attack Focus:
Loss of status, sudden decline in functioning, talks of violent intentions, a recent loss of relationship, rejection by others, organizing for attack, menacing others

Many of these signs are seen in the classroom, together with the observations of counselors. Parents, too, can be alerted to these signs. Of course it takes the motivation to take time, notice, and put these warnings together, as well as the determination to get the attention of the school and parents. And the treatment methods are also well known and available to therapists and counselors.

Can prevention of school violence may be within our grasp? If we are willing to see all these varied manifestations of anger, we may find it common sense to alert those who can help. Common sense, too, is legislation that funds this training and alerting within our schools.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Caring vs Serotonin

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Can the act of caring be as effective as medication in battling depression and anxiety? Research into selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may provide answers that surprise you.

SSRIs are one of the newer class of antidepressants that emerged in 1987 with Prozac (fluoxetine), an approved treatment for depression. Since then, SSRIs have proven effective in treating many anxiety-related illnesses including panic disorder (PD).


Choices



Cherry Picking SSRI Research

Turner and others in 2008 subpoenaed the FDA to release ALL of the studies on antidepressant effectiveness in their archives.  They found that reports of positive effects were 12 times more likely to be published than negative results. Overall, the impression of effectiveness was inflated by about 33%. Over the past century, only 50% of all drug studies were published, mostly positive outcomes (Dobbs, '06).

Small Advantage of SSRI's
Two large scale metanalyses of SSRI effectiveness showed that SSRI's are effective 56-60% of the time. However, between 42 and 47% respond to placebos ("sugar pills"), making the effectiveness of SSRI's only about 10 to 15% better than a placebo (Arrill, '05; Dobbs, '06).

Growing Placebo Power
Since 1985, the potency of placebos, the benchmark for measuring medication effectiveness, has nearly doubled, from about 30% to about 45%. So it is harder than ever to show the effectiveness of medications. In 2007, the FDA approved the fewest drugs of any year since 1983 (PN, '10). The advertising success of Big Pharm may have led to the public increasingly to  believe that any pill will work!

Whoops!
In a major study of depression by NIMH, comparing imipramine to a placebo, they found the most effective psychiatrist got better results with a placebo than the worst performing psychiatrist with antidepressants.  This was back door evidence for the importance of relationships of therapeutic effectiveness (McKay et al, '06).

Relationships are Central
In the big debate about which evidence-based psychotherapies will be reimbursed by insurance, a growing body of critics question the focus on method (LeBow,'10). A metanalysis by Wampol ('02) showed that success in treatment was accounted for mostly by relationship factors between therapist and client, and less by treatment methods. Good relations of caring, empathy and openness may be the most effective part of psychotherapy. Shouldn't we be studying the "placebo effect" rather than the "drug effect"?

Could this mean that love (caring) conquers all?  Well...yeah.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Benefits of Mistakes and Flaws

Wrong again

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Mistakes and flaws, generally, are an unavoidable part of life, our daily bread.  What are we to think of them, do with them? Our beliefs guide us. And our emotions exaggerate these beliefs. Before concluding you are a ruined human being, consider these propositions, and rate how much you agree with each, from 0 to 10.
Go ahead, messer-upper!

 __   Mistakes and flaws are the lot of everyone, no exception
  __  Humans make a great more mistakes than all other creatures
  __  No one has complete control over life's circumstances
  __  We tolerate natural disasters better then our own mistakes
  __  We learn fastest from our mistakes
  __  Mistakes don't lie; they tell the truth and are on our side
  __  Our mistakes and flaws reveal what needs to be done
  __  The more mistakes we make and admit to, the faster we learn
  __  Making mistakes early saves us later pain of bigger mistakes
  __  Mistakes help us be true to ourselves and our needs
  __  When expectations are highest, we make the biggest mistakes
  __  Whoever shows us our mistakes is helpful, intentionally or not
  __  By inviting criticism, we put the critic on our side
  __  Sharing our mistakes brings us closer together, through compassion
  __  Owning our mistakes makes us more forgiving of others (St. Thomas)
  __  Expecting some mistakes helps us see them and overcome them
  __  A good chuckle helps us accept disasters (Wizard of Oz)
  __  Mistakes and flaws are opportunities for growth and strength
  __  Mistakes and flaws teach us compassion for others
  __  We live in a world that is both messed-up and wonderful

This test has no score, no norms. It is simply taking stock of your fears of mistakes and criticism. The lesson is to honor your mistakes. Admit them as soon as you can. Learn from them. Forgive.

Now, fumblers and bumblers, join the rest of us!

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Emotional Frontier - A New Diagnosis?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Developmental trauma disorder - A new DSM V diagnosis?

Van der Kolk and many others see the post-traumatic stress diagnosis (PTSD) as way too narrow for adult problems in identity, relationships, emotional regulation and even physical health.  Adults can be, at times, "clinging, needy, impulsive, enraged, depressed, despairing or suicidal".  Their childhood often features prolonged abuse, neglect, violence and incest. After presenting 130 research papers representing over 100,000 children - and resubmitting 300 more research articles - the trauma task force led by Van der Kolk was turned down by the DSM V committee. "Developmental Trauma Disorder" was seen as too broad, not researched, overlapping with other diagnoses and not useful .Still, the DTD trials go on, using newer treatments like TARGET and ARC. An uphill fight for the recognition of emotions.

The heart of DTD 



Shared emotions

The heart of DTD may be "extreme disregulation of emotional states" (Ford). Cloitre found that a failure of parental attachment and attunement to the child was worse than physical abuse in its consequences. Van der Kolk says that you need a parent who can mirror the child's emotions, so that he can "connect with his own felt inner experience" to develop a sense of his authentic self, or else the "capacity to feel your inner realness is impaired". Damage to your personal identity and coherent sense of self distinguishes DTD from PTSD. Such is the importance of emotions.

A catalogue of childhood emotional trauma.

Young (1999) has found and developed 18 maladaptive beliefs and feelings about relationships that begin very early in life, resulting from "ongoing patterns of everyday noxious experiences" with their parents or caregivers. These "schemas" fall into 5 groups: disconnection/rejection; impaired autonomy/performance; impaired limits; other-directed-ness; and overvigilence/inhibition. He has convincingly related several of these early abuse patterns to the development of resistant personality disorders appearing later in life. In a forthcoming book, I have identified the primary emotions that show up in each personality disorder.

Emotions give us energy and direction from our earliest days.  Why is it so hard to give them their due?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Wall of Extreme Shyness

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

We have all had our moments of shyness. Imagine you have been invited to a brand new social group or business meeting. After saying a brief "Hello" you decide to look things over.  You see that others seem to know each other; some are in earnest conversation. You sit down on the sidelines and you see you don't get more than a few glances.  As you feel a growing distance, you think, "There's something odd about me". Then, as everyone gets into their stories, jokes, and small talk, you feel snubbed, like you don't belong here. At some point, you may feel frustrated and angry and start writing off the whole scene.  You leave early, with some satisfaction at rejecting the "dumb bunch".


I'm shy



The trend in shyness in adults is rising overall.  40% of college students say they are currently shy, with 4% shy all the time.  13% of adults have high social anxiety. Membership in all kinds of groups has dropped by about 50% in the last 40 years (Putnam, 2000).

Some extremely shy ones don't even open the door. Any imminent contact feels terrifying.  They avoid all social situations and spend weekends at home.  If they have to, a very shy person will keep to the edge of a group, or near the exits, and try to "disappear".

The extremely shy one needs to find motivation to make satisfying contacts.  There is nothing like some good experiences.  Here are some very beginning steps:

• Look at people. Take pleasure in "people-watching". Just sitting in a park bench or mall gives a shy person permission to look at, rather than looking away.
• Smile at strangers. By just putting on a welcoming face, a shy person feels better.
• Say "Hi" to anyone passing by, and say to yourself "Welcome!". As the shy see immediate good will, this habit can grow on a very shy person.
• Find a role as a greeter.  At the door of a wedding or family gathering, by meeting one after another, you get desensitized. Your anxiety drops as you see nothing terrible happens.
• Greet others quickly, before they do you.  Two things: there is much less time for your fears to develop and you feel more in control.
• Bring along an interesting diversion. A magazine, a cell phone. This will distract the very shy person when he/she falls into the pit of worrying and "catastrophising".

Yes, these are baby steps, but success in these small steps means that both attitudes and feelings can start to change. And the skills are not soon forgotten.  With practice, they become reliable habits.

Have you seen someone so stuck?  Did you know it could be so hard?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Education - Everything but Ourselves and Our Emotions

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Have you noticed that you learn about everybody else except yourself in school? In school, the main characters are in literature, history, sciences and other remote places. Even in high school, you may have home economics, the arts, sports, music - maybe - but little of yourself. Kids complain, too, that they see little of themselves in school. Their evaluations of teachers and how they are taught are quite consistent: they can recognize ineffective teaching and learn little about their own interests.


Learning about Self



Stephen Rollin EdD was dumbfounded that during discussions of the future of education at the National Research Council in 2003 there was no mention of psychology or mental health. Then, for 10 years his programs addressed the needs of teachers. The proposal of the APA for Teaching of High School Psychology concerns theory, science, biopsychology, development, cognition, sociocultural, some motivation, emotion, and personality and a bit on careers in psychology. This is a college curriculum. In the wake of 2013 shootings, the APA Council of Representatives voted to focus on the education of psychologists, advocacy to policy makers, communications, and more study.

Where do young people learn about their developing interests, emotions, relationships, friends, beliefs, how to study, mentoring, getting enough sleep, a healthy body, healthy foods, bullying, the world of work, addictions, careers, applying for college...?  TV is toxic or irrelevant; parents often don't have time; and friends can mislead.



Then again, some things work famously. Geller (2013) developed lesson plans for cooperation, courage, compassion and coaching in which high school students coach middle school kids. Just a conscious effort to observe and record bullying in 2 elementary schools reduced bullying by 50%. The documentary "Against All Odds" shows how character-building, mentoring, cooperative study, and a year-long course for entry into college (and more) led to over 90% admissions into college in 3 poor, deprived community high schools. And they were already 2-3 grades behind as freshmen.

Imagine the curiosity children have in their vital interests, their relationships, their friends, their emotions, their future? 

Beyond schools, I imagine a public service TV channel called "Personal growth" just for teens and pre-teens. Real life drama, biographies and learning sets about relationships, feelings, health, play, the world of work, studying, handling your money, finding your true interests, and much more. Parents would watch it, too, and find a bit of what they were missing!

Anyone up to it? There has to be someone, somewhere...

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Encounter - Healing for the Lonely

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Weiss concluded in 1973 that he was woefully at a loss to help the emotionally lonely, the person who has no intimate, tell-the-truth companion. Yet, at the same time, the encounter group movement was in full swing, a remarkable social invention that has faded from popular memory.



Encounter



Encounter groups sprang up from earlier sensitivity training groups of the '50's and were adopted into the human potential movement of the '60's.  The idea was to become all you were meant to be, following Maslow and others.

Rules of encounter group were:

1) we only talk of the here and now

2) we focus on ourselves and our relations with others in the group

3) we express our feelings, not judgments

4) we agree to give helpful feedback to others

Helpful feedback is defined as:

• Timely and immediate, not delayed                   
• Specific, rather than general
• Invited, rather than imposed
• Descriptive, not evaluative 
• Feelings, not judgments
• Checked out, by repeating the message
• Considering the person's needs he can act on

The purpose was to discover your real self and the other's real self, and not get stuck in stories, drama, troubles, advice, and variants of other group therapies.  Exercises helped you reveal yourself.  Some groups were marathon in length, lasting 24 hours or whole weekends; others were weekly. The leader was called a facilitator, not a therapist or director.  He actually led by example: openness, trust, and honesty.

The results were remarkable.  For most, it was bliss: they could be themselves and feel validated and enlarged. All felt accepted for who they are, which was all they needed to be. The inner peace lasted for days and weeks.

The power of these groups began to be perverted by charismatic and self-absorbed leaders and they gradually faded away.  I revive their past so that you can believe that your emotional loneliness can end anytime you find a companion with whom you can speak the unadorned truth and be accepted. Only honest, helpful feedback, no advice or judgment.

Trust is established; your truths shine brightly; you see you are more than you think; you feel growing capabilities.  You are no longer stranger to yourself, or anyone, anymore.

Loneliness is overcome in short order in an honest, intimate relation.  Do you have the courage? Are you ready to sing your own song?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Bright Side - A Note from the Future

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Imagine you are in the future. The economy has tanked, and things are much worse now.  Unemployment is 26%; 17% of mortgages have foreclosed; inflation is rampant; borrowing is very costly; the bond market has crashed; our currency devalued.  We can no longer borrow to pay down our national debt.  2 Million are homeless.

But, we are learning new ways to prosper and be fulfilled.

Now that families have to crowd into 2 or 3 rooms, we have learned to eat together, discuss our affairs, and help each other.  With the electricity on 6 hours a day, we no longer depend upon electronic devices or spend much time on TV and the media.  We work in our garden, share cooking and cleaning, and do all the repairs ourselves.  With gas at $11 a gallon, we’ve learned to car pool with the neighbors and coworkers and share lunch treats.  We’re discovering local sports, too, like trails, biking, local teams, and pickup games of all sorts. Now that schools have little money, we are no longer under the gun with national testing, and parents have time to help their children learn, plus all the time for sports, arts, music, trips and classroom talks.  Our children see more of themselves in school since we insisted they learn useful things about life and themselves; they like school now. 

In downsizing, we have had to sell off or donate so much excess stuff that we see what is essential and most meaningful and spend more time in that.  In fact, getting by with a lot less work hours has meant a lot to ourselves and each other.  Our community has come together, too, as we not share our skills and tools around cooking, gardening, repairing, per care, heating methods – in fact, about everything. We are learning gratitude.

 

I guess this is more the way it used to be.  More sense of community, opportunity, fairness with each other, good schools, a great family life. We could use a teach-in like this every 80 years or so.

Dr. Schwartz, (The Paradox of Choice, 2004) documents how an overload of choice leads to anxiety, loneliness, stress and dissatisfaction - even depression. The polls show that the feelings that choices do matter has dropped over the years. Why?

He documents how the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment, and the more choices, the more stress and pressure. And once you reach an adequate subsistence income, further wealth shows no increase in measurable happiness. In short, an abundance of choice takes precious time, regret of lost opportunity, more uncertainty, more procrastination, more demanding choices, more risk of being let down, more responsibility, restless greed - more agony!

Paradoxically, the choices that contribute most to happiness bind and commit us passionately to loved ones, friends, work and the spiritual life - and gratitude.

About Dr. Raynard

Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Passing the Butter - An Emotional Vignette

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist



"Pass the butter", he grunted.

"It's in front of you", she sputtered,

"Where?", he bellowed.

"Behind the ketchup", she huffed.

"It's usually in the open!" he blasted.
"How open do you want it?", she sniffed.
"How about two feet away?", he sniggered.
"Whose two feet?", she mocked.
"Can't we agree on two feet?, he seethed.
"You could mark it with a pencil!", she scolded.
"Now the butter is melting", he blurted.
"From all your talking!", she belched.
"Just a bit of better butter", he joked.
"You'll find that in the frig", she intoned.
"Where in the frig?", he cracked.
"Behind the ketchup", she teased.
"Why is everything behind the ketchup?", he mumbled.
"So you'll be sure to find it", she smirked.
"Well, there's a point to that", he sighed.
"I look after you anyway I can", she burbled.
"You are so surprising", he fawned.
"You're cute too", she murmured.

                (They agree to try again)

"Honey, please pass the butter", he crooned.
"There you are", she cooed.
"Thank you", he said, blissfully.

               (Nothing seemed to work until they showed affection and gratitude)


About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

When Childen Used to Play

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

A lifetime ago, children in grade school played, explored, invented games, and entertained themselves with no electronic media or adult push.


Girls playing Clap Hands



There were 3 recess periods: mid-morning, noontime lunch, and early afternoon. School yard games were passed on for generatios by the children themselves, some games dating back centuries.

Everyone played Hide-and-Seek, Dodge Ball, Keep Away, Kick the Can, Ringo-Leary, Red Light and Red Rover, some games lasting for weeks.  Younger kids played on school sets: Swings, Teeters, Slides, Tetherball and Ladders. Girls had many involved games, like Jacks, Skip Rope, Hopscotch, London Bridge, all accompanied with involved lyrics and chants. Boys gravitated towards Shootout Marbles, Aggies, Races, Knights on Horseback, Frisbee, Baseball, balancing and daring games.

After school, the games continued on outside "till the street lights came on", or when new games took over, like biking, hiking, exploring vacant houses, fishing boating, etc.

Adults helped a bit, mostly in class. Outdoors, rarely, with baseball or volleyball. Singing in class was usually 3 times a week, using the Golden Book of folk songs from all over the world, sometimes with a rhythm band or improvised instruments. Cantatas and other recitals were held 2 or 3 times a years, directed by special music teacher. The arts were taught 1 or 2 tiimes a week, in water color, charcoal, crayon, silouettes, etc. All this, in addition to the usual school subjects.

Outdoor childhood games were killed by two working parents, TV, fear of the drug scene and predators, the media, No Child Left Behind, and video games. A centuries-old children's game culture was wiped out, like the American Indians. Extra-school activities are now highly structured, expensive, parented and pressured. School itsefl is grim, No recess, no gym, no noon break, no in-class lunch, little art or music. No FUN.  Kids now are rarely seen to play in the yards, streets, or woods, or even in playgrounds and parks. A trash culture roars out of TV, ensnaring childen in envy, distraction, loneliness, eye candy, video games and false maturity and fashion.

Play grows your curiosity and interests. Play gives you skill and confidence, prepares you to both participate and lead, and rehearses what you will love as an adult.

It will take a determined offort to overcome the machine of corporate pandering, the media lure, and the made-in-Madison Avenue youth culture. Still, play can happen anytime we show our childen these games, join in the fun, and turn them loose on their own.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling a life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Empathy - Becoming Human

by Richard C Raynard PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The scary part

Feral children - those raised in the wild by animals - some 56 discovered and known - did not become fully human despite extraordinary effort by some of their caretakers. Most did not learn language, were blind to forming relationships, and preferred the animal ways of walking, eating, and being with animals they knew early on. In the same way, orphans in Rumania that were forbidden touch or contact with their caretakes developed exploitive relations and did not develop play or enjoyment of companions.  Their mortality rates were from 35 to 70% by year 2.

In the first 5 years of life, a child learns to be human through its relation with its parents. Empathy is not only sensing the feelings of others but being able to take their perspective through imagination and experience.  Only humans can do this.

The evidence also shows it is clear that, depending on the parent-child relation - where emotional needs are handled - childeren form a very persistent world-view. Thie view can be described as entitled, self-sacrificing, shamed, helpless, abandoned, or even emotionally unreachable, among others. Or, self-confidant, compassionate, and self-directed.

The biological basis may be that human infants are birthed earlier in development and are born more unformed than any other animal.  They have few reflexes, are helpless in feeding and defecating, have few signals for showing their needs, and are unable to walk or reach. Their early experience with parents is profoundly formative.

The best part

Children can also thrive, and turn out brighter, more empathic, calmer, more teachable, have earlier identification of interests, and be altogether more resilient.  Parents can learn how to listen, encourage and guide children, as well as get the support parents need.

Imagine if mothers could have at least 3 months maternity leave with partial pay.  Childcare could be part of every worksite large enough, with a truely qualified staff to involve the preschooler in play, song, and age-related skills.  A free public-owned Parenting Life channel could convey in dramatic, real-life terms making  the very best of developmental problems in eating, sleeping, keeping clean, vaccinations, bites and scapes,pets, social skills, listening and talking, and much more.  At age 14 in high school, a basic course in human growth and development, including the fulfillment of emotional needs, is even more vital than homemaking skills, and cooking, budgeting and so on. In a few short years, teens will be hurled into parenthood, a role for which many have the least training.  And, perhaps most of all, parents could have reduced work hours, wage increases, and flex hourr for Child Time.

In these times, such common sense sounds like way-out idealism.  Such is our dilemma.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Need To Belong - A Homeless Emotion?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

We all have a need and yearning to belong. Whether it's a family, a work group, a club, a Facebook, a community. or a nation. Do you get it?  It is a basic instinct of all warm-blooded animals, an emotion, if you will. But, surprise -  in all our 700,000 word English language we don't have a single word for it. A homeless emotion.



Family Group
Photo Credit: agephotostock.com



I once asked for a name for this emotion in the social media. The best I got was a half-humorous, "belonging-longing".  And the need to belong gets confused with "loneliness", the need to be truly accepted by another for who you are.

At the same time, the need to belong is a huge motivation for both humans and animals.  There has been much documentation that animals that form social bonds are more likely to survive in evolutionary terms. The health consequences of not belonging are also huge: longevity, hypertension, stress hormones, poor sleep, and more. The need for belonging is vital to every age. It is critical for teens, whose emerging needs often don't fit in with the peer group.

The sheer power of belonging is seen in the fierce loyalties of tribes, clans, communities and who nations, who are willing to defend to the death the identity they find in their group. Could alienation from all groups help explain mass shootings?  From the Hatfields and McCoys, to football team loyalties, to ancient tribes, membership gives a sense of strength, safety, a shared destiny, being valued, having a place and even a sense of who you are, your Self. Wow!

But why not a name for it?  Does the emphasis on individualism in our culture conspire to overlook the "need to belong"? Or is it simply a need so widely shared, it is taken for granted? Then, again, the increase in narcissism in college-age adults and the decrease in membership in all forms of social groups has been well documented.

In any case, if we had a single word for it, we might find our planning and decision-making clearer about the choices of where to live, schooling, workplaces, neighborhoods and friends. The words for our emotional needs help other to recognize them, and help us express and justify them. Maybe we will have to borrow a word for it from another language!

"Shyness" is the title of my recently published self-help e-book that shows you how to belong. I guess it will have to do.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

How to Complain - And Still Be Liked

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Things go wrong. A delivery was way late; merchandise was faulty; a promise was broken. It's natural to get angry, especially if it's important to you. When you think of it, anger seems to be our daily bread with all the annoyances, frustrations and other foolishness everyday. Sometimes the smallest things can upset us, especially if they remind us of the bigger frustrations of the day.


Anger

 
Before you know it, you are breathing hard, heart racing, and you are tense all over. Charged with energy, you want to say something rather than nothing at all, and you might just do that before you think about it. Not a pleasant scene.

Still, you may have a chance to talk to a responsible person.  Not everyone has a portable complaint department, but you can make one.  Here is your way to take charge that respects both your anger and the other party.

1.  Speak up soon. Don't wait for your resentments to grow and emotions to boil. Complaining to someone else, i.e. bitching and moaning, is defeatist. Keep this 1-5 formula in front of you.

2.  Summarize the facts of the matter. These are points you can agree on right away. No drama, please. A long story can sound like a legal indictment. Just a sentence or two.

3.  Speak briefly about how it affected you. Say if it cause a change in plans or a disappointment. Be especially brief about emotions, as they have power all by themselves.
4.   Say clearly what steps would make it all better. This is the hardest part, and often left out by those who just want combat. It could be a repair, a refund, an understanding. Don't hold back.

5.  Ask if he/she is willing to take these steps. This ends it. It pins one down to an answer, or at least negotiation. And be sure to say "Thank you".

Notice there has been no accusation, no insinuation, no character attack.  No drama at all. You have led the way to a solution, without elaborate explanations, apologies or debate. The other party will be grateful.

On your part, you have not put it off, minimized it, distracted yourself, or "managed" it. You have used you anger well and have got your way.  You have asserted yourself. You have got Satisfaction.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.