The Bomb of Loneliness and Alienation

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

In the Marathon bombing, there were few things that we learned about the interior life of the 26 year old leader, married and a trained boxer. However, it slipped out in his own words that he had no close friend. Also, he felt he didn't fit in with the American culture.


 

Loneliness

 The first, no close friend, is an earmark of the emotion of loneliness, where no one accepts you for who you are and stands beside you in everything. The second is the emotion (for which we have no word) for the need to belong. In belonging, we find our role and place in the larger community, a role that both honors our own needs and that of the group.

Most of the news and commentary in the weekend after the bombing was about the Al Qaida connection, the Chechnya resistance, internet fanaticism, the global Jihad, Homeland Security, etc. These external influences were calls for alarm and opposition, not feeling.

 

Are you willing to plunge into the world of prolonged loneliness and alienation?

 

R. Laing (1959) has shown the  disastrous effects of prolonged loneliness: you have no one who recognizes your most valued experiences, or the most hurtful trauma, or your worst self-doubts. By becoming secretive, you live in fear of being found out, exposed and condemned for who you are. The lonely person learns to put on a face of ease and affability, or whatever, just to get by.  Over time he feels more and more phony and starts to believe others are phony, too. At the extreme, he is contemptuous of the fakeness and lack of meaning around him. Disillusioned, he comes to despise and hate others

 

Cacioppo and Patrick (2008) sum it up: in extreme loneliness, "we mimic others more intensely" and at the same time "betrayal and rejection is lurking around every corner".

 

Hoffer (1951) shows how those who don't belong - marginalized or out of the mainstream - have a loss of a sense of self-worth and blame and hate others for what they see as lack of respect.  If they fail at finding where they belong, they can feel life is over, or "spoiled". He believes they are vulnerable to joining a cause, an alienated group, or a sect that promises redemption, even self-sacrifice, to a glorious cause.

 

Attention to all the external influences does not address the needs of these emotions, and can make us feel overwhelmed by powerful forces. In contrast, looking at the emotions and motives of the person leads us to prevention, early detection and opening up the means of participation in community life. The emotions of loneliness and the need to belong are recognizable to all and lead to constructive change and fulfillment.

 

What do you think?

 

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Benefits of Mistakes and Flaws

Wrong again

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Mistakes and flaws, generally, are an unavoidable part of life, our daily bread.  What are we to think of them, do with them? Our beliefs guide us. And our emotions exaggerate these beliefs. Before concluding you are a ruined human being, consider these propositions, and rate how much you agree with each, from 0 to 10.
Go ahead, messer-upper!

 __   Mistakes and flaws are the lot of everyone, no exception
  __  Humans make a great more mistakes than all other creatures
  __  No one has complete control over life's circumstances
  __  We tolerate natural disasters better then our own mistakes
  __  We learn fastest from our mistakes
  __  Mistakes don't lie; they tell the truth and are on our side
  __  Our mistakes and flaws reveal what needs to be done
  __  The more mistakes we make and admit to, the faster we learn
  __  Making mistakes early saves us later pain of bigger mistakes
  __  Mistakes help us be true to ourselves and our needs
  __  When expectations are highest, we make the biggest mistakes
  __  Whoever shows us our mistakes is helpful, intentionally or not
  __  By inviting criticism, we put the critic on our side
  __  Sharing our mistakes brings us closer together, through compassion
  __  Owning our mistakes makes us more forgiving of others (St. Thomas)
  __  Expecting some mistakes helps us see them and overcome them
  __  A good chuckle helps us accept disasters (Wizard of Oz)
  __  Mistakes and flaws are opportunities for growth and strength
  __  Mistakes and flaws teach us compassion for others
  __  We live in a world that is both messed-up and wonderful

This test has no score, no norms. It is simply taking stock of your fears of mistakes and criticism. The lesson is to honor your mistakes. Admit them as soon as you can. Learn from them. Forgive.

Now, fumblers and bumblers, join the rest of us!

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.