My Loyalty is Your Enemy

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The instant we become a member, loyalty divides us from non-members. Sure, some boundaries can be porous: those of family, hometown, volunteers, etc. let us come and go.

The emotion of "belonging" is powerful. To belong gives us protection, status, a safer place for our empathy and compassion and even a sense of identity.  It bonds all together. And divides us.

Neighbors

Other memberships have tests and trials to prove you are worthy of membership.  School grades, college entry, connections professions, and all elite memberships have hard boundaries. You are "in" or "out".

In strict memberships, tests of loyalties are broad: attendance, clothing, rituals, flags, emblems, passwords, boot camps, etc.  Outsiders are "other people", heathen and the unwashed.

In clans, tribes, cults, and sects, boundaries are like barrier reefs and define your personal worth. Violation of code brings betrayal, banishment, excommunication. Beliefs, rituals, clothing - and other branding methods - affirm your membership.  In the extreme, offenses can lead to isolation, warfare, and revenge lasting centuries. Think of North and South, Shiites and Sunni, Hatfields and McCoys, believers and non-believers.

"Can't we all get along?" Yes, if we find ways to stop demonizing others unlike us, see purity as a perversion, and open our hearts.

Our immediate neighbors have Hawaiian, Asian, Mexican, Indian and black roots, with both ranching and big city backgrounds. Honestly, it doesn't appear that we even notice. I could wish this for all.

About Dr. Raynard 
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Need To Belong - A Homeless Emotion?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

We all have a need and yearning to belong. Whether it's a family, a work group, a club, a Facebook, a community. or a nation. Do you get it?  It is a basic instinct of all warm-blooded animals, an emotion, if you will. But, surprise -  in all our 700,000 word English language we don't have a single word for it. A homeless emotion.



Family Group
Photo Credit: agephotostock.com



I once asked for a name for this emotion in the social media. The best I got was a half-humorous, "belonging-longing".  And the need to belong gets confused with "loneliness", the need to be truly accepted by another for who you are.

At the same time, the need to belong is a huge motivation for both humans and animals.  There has been much documentation that animals that form social bonds are more likely to survive in evolutionary terms. The health consequences of not belonging are also huge: longevity, hypertension, stress hormones, poor sleep, and more. The need for belonging is vital to every age. It is critical for teens, whose emerging needs often don't fit in with the peer group.

The sheer power of belonging is seen in the fierce loyalties of tribes, clans, communities and who nations, who are willing to defend to the death the identity they find in their group. Could alienation from all groups help explain mass shootings?  From the Hatfields and McCoys, to football team loyalties, to ancient tribes, membership gives a sense of strength, safety, a shared destiny, being valued, having a place and even a sense of who you are, your Self. Wow!

But why not a name for it?  Does the emphasis on individualism in our culture conspire to overlook the "need to belong"? Or is it simply a need so widely shared, it is taken for granted? Then, again, the increase in narcissism in college-age adults and the decrease in membership in all forms of social groups has been well documented.

In any case, if we had a single word for it, we might find our planning and decision-making clearer about the choices of where to live, schooling, workplaces, neighborhoods and friends. The words for our emotional needs help other to recognize them, and help us express and justify them. Maybe we will have to borrow a word for it from another language!

"Shyness" is the title of my recently published self-help e-book that shows you how to belong. I guess it will have to do.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.