The Wall of Extreme Shyness

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

We have all had our moments of shyness. Imagine you have been invited to a brand new social group or business meeting. After saying a brief "Hello" you decide to look things over.  You see that others seem to know each other; some are in earnest conversation. You sit down on the sidelines and you see you don't get more than a few glances.  As you feel a growing distance, you think, "There's something odd about me". Then, as everyone gets into their stories, jokes, and small talk, you feel snubbed, like you don't belong here. At some point, you may feel frustrated and angry and start writing off the whole scene.  You leave early, with some satisfaction at rejecting the "dumb bunch".


I'm shy



The trend in shyness in adults is rising overall.  40% of college students say they are currently shy, with 4% shy all the time.  13% of adults have high social anxiety. Membership in all kinds of groups has dropped by about 50% in the last 40 years (Putnam, 2000).

Some extremely shy ones don't even open the door. Any imminent contact feels terrifying.  They avoid all social situations and spend weekends at home.  If they have to, a very shy person will keep to the edge of a group, or near the exits, and try to "disappear".

The extremely shy one needs to find motivation to make satisfying contacts.  There is nothing like some good experiences.  Here are some very beginning steps:

• Look at people. Take pleasure in "people-watching". Just sitting in a park bench or mall gives a shy person permission to look at, rather than looking away.
• Smile at strangers. By just putting on a welcoming face, a shy person feels better.
• Say "Hi" to anyone passing by, and say to yourself "Welcome!". As the shy see immediate good will, this habit can grow on a very shy person.
• Find a role as a greeter.  At the door of a wedding or family gathering, by meeting one after another, you get desensitized. Your anxiety drops as you see nothing terrible happens.
• Greet others quickly, before they do you.  Two things: there is much less time for your fears to develop and you feel more in control.
• Bring along an interesting diversion. A magazine, a cell phone. This will distract the very shy person when he/she falls into the pit of worrying and "catastrophising".

Yes, these are baby steps, but success in these small steps means that both attitudes and feelings can start to change. And the skills are not soon forgotten.  With practice, they become reliable habits.

Have you seen someone so stuck?  Did you know it could be so hard?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.