A Lump of Pain with Your Tea?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

What did the Tea party get out of its government shutdown? When Obamacare was off the table, there was no other demand. Even after the reopening, Ted Cruz was smiling – for what?

Don’t call it crazy or wacky. Don’t surrender your understanding. Look at the emotion.

Joe Bageant (2007) can tell us where they are coming from. He is a journalist who, after 30 years, returned to his hometown in Appalachia to find his roots. He found things the same, but more run down: rickety bungalows, low-rent supermarkets, shabby churches, and secondhand trucks – a picture “painted by Edward Hopper”. Looking closer, he saw an ever-hardened, brutal life: mill and factory work, overtime if you’re lucky, rent until you die, Bud Light for consolation. Even closer, he saw his people “overweight, bad teeth, cheap clothing, and looking as though they’ve been shot at and missed”.

Deeper, Bageant saw disillusionment and life without much hope. Parents taught you to avoid education and expect disappointment. “Your dreams are bullshit; go get a job”.  Your strength is toughness and endurance, and lazy is the worst a person can be. He saw much anger and fear underneath, from the insults of employers and the elite. “It comes down to gumption” and doing without. Being given to weakens you and steals your strength. Fulfillment is a trick. A gift is not comprehensible.

Hoffer (1951) also saw the working poor, as a longshoreman. He felt the insecure and oppressed see themselves as unworthy and angry at the world. He saw the greater the disappointment in themselves, the greater the hatred. “Passionate hatred can give meaning to an empty life”. In the extreme, he felt that “a spoiled life” leads to joining extreme causes that promise redemption or joining a “brotherhood of the righteous”. The True Believer despises the “soft, selfish, pleasure-seeking” way. To Hoffer, their failure in everyday affairs makes them “take satisfaction in chaos”, as it ruins the satisfaction of others. To mask their failure, they deprecate the present, like to make believe, are naïve, and ready to attempt the impossible. Their doctrine give them power, not from making sense, but from certitude.

In emotional terms, having others feel your pain, your disillusionment, is a form of satisfaction. Schadenfreude, or pleasure from the misfortune of others, has been found associated with envy. So “now you know how we feel” not only gives comfort, but seems to be a form of justice.

Can you now imagine the satisfaction the Tea Party got in denying comfort, security, order, fulfillment to the rest of us? Are you smiling yet?

About Dr. Raynard Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broadrange of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety andphobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

How to Complain - And Still Be Liked

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Things go wrong. A delivery was way late; merchandise was faulty; a promise was broken. It's natural to get angry, especially if it's important to you. When you think of it, anger seems to be our daily bread with all the annoyances, frustrations and other foolishness everyday. Sometimes the smallest things can upset us, especially if they remind us of the bigger frustrations of the day.


Anger

 
Before you know it, you are breathing hard, heart racing, and you are tense all over. Charged with energy, you want to say something rather than nothing at all, and you might just do that before you think about it. Not a pleasant scene.

Still, you may have a chance to talk to a responsible person.  Not everyone has a portable complaint department, but you can make one.  Here is your way to take charge that respects both your anger and the other party.

1.  Speak up soon. Don't wait for your resentments to grow and emotions to boil. Complaining to someone else, i.e. bitching and moaning, is defeatist. Keep this 1-5 formula in front of you.

2.  Summarize the facts of the matter. These are points you can agree on right away. No drama, please. A long story can sound like a legal indictment. Just a sentence or two.

3.  Speak briefly about how it affected you. Say if it cause a change in plans or a disappointment. Be especially brief about emotions, as they have power all by themselves.
4.   Say clearly what steps would make it all better. This is the hardest part, and often left out by those who just want combat. It could be a repair, a refund, an understanding. Don't hold back.

5.  Ask if he/she is willing to take these steps. This ends it. It pins one down to an answer, or at least negotiation. And be sure to say "Thank you".

Notice there has been no accusation, no insinuation, no character attack.  No drama at all. You have led the way to a solution, without elaborate explanations, apologies or debate. The other party will be grateful.

On your part, you have not put it off, minimized it, distracted yourself, or "managed" it. You have used you anger well and have got your way.  You have asserted yourself. You have got Satisfaction.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.