How to Complain - And Still Be Liked

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Things go wrong. A delivery was way late; merchandise was faulty; a promise was broken. It's natural to get angry, especially if it's important to you. When you think of it, anger seems to be our daily bread with all the annoyances, frustrations and other foolishness everyday. Sometimes the smallest things can upset us, especially if they remind us of the bigger frustrations of the day.


Anger

 
Before you know it, you are breathing hard, heart racing, and you are tense all over. Charged with energy, you want to say something rather than nothing at all, and you might just do that before you think about it. Not a pleasant scene.

Still, you may have a chance to talk to a responsible person.  Not everyone has a portable complaint department, but you can make one.  Here is your way to take charge that respects both your anger and the other party.

1.  Speak up soon. Don't wait for your resentments to grow and emotions to boil. Complaining to someone else, i.e. bitching and moaning, is defeatist. Keep this 1-5 formula in front of you.

2.  Summarize the facts of the matter. These are points you can agree on right away. No drama, please. A long story can sound like a legal indictment. Just a sentence or two.

3.  Speak briefly about how it affected you. Say if it cause a change in plans or a disappointment. Be especially brief about emotions, as they have power all by themselves.
4.   Say clearly what steps would make it all better. This is the hardest part, and often left out by those who just want combat. It could be a repair, a refund, an understanding. Don't hold back.

5.  Ask if he/she is willing to take these steps. This ends it. It pins one down to an answer, or at least negotiation. And be sure to say "Thank you".

Notice there has been no accusation, no insinuation, no character attack.  No drama at all. You have led the way to a solution, without elaborate explanations, apologies or debate. The other party will be grateful.

On your part, you have not put it off, minimized it, distracted yourself, or "managed" it. You have used you anger well and have got your way.  You have asserted yourself. You have got Satisfaction.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.