The Bomb of Loneliness and Alienation

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

In the Marathon bombing, there were few things that we learned about the interior life of the 26 year old leader, married and a trained boxer. However, it slipped out in his own words that he had no close friend. Also, he felt he didn't fit in with the American culture.


 

Loneliness

 The first, no close friend, is an earmark of the emotion of loneliness, where no one accepts you for who you are and stands beside you in everything. The second is the emotion (for which we have no word) for the need to belong. In belonging, we find our role and place in the larger community, a role that both honors our own needs and that of the group.

Most of the news and commentary in the weekend after the bombing was about the Al Qaida connection, the Chechnya resistance, internet fanaticism, the global Jihad, Homeland Security, etc. These external influences were calls for alarm and opposition, not feeling.

 

Are you willing to plunge into the world of prolonged loneliness and alienation?

 

R. Laing (1959) has shown the  disastrous effects of prolonged loneliness: you have no one who recognizes your most valued experiences, or the most hurtful trauma, or your worst self-doubts. By becoming secretive, you live in fear of being found out, exposed and condemned for who you are. The lonely person learns to put on a face of ease and affability, or whatever, just to get by.  Over time he feels more and more phony and starts to believe others are phony, too. At the extreme, he is contemptuous of the fakeness and lack of meaning around him. Disillusioned, he comes to despise and hate others

 

Cacioppo and Patrick (2008) sum it up: in extreme loneliness, "we mimic others more intensely" and at the same time "betrayal and rejection is lurking around every corner".

 

Hoffer (1951) shows how those who don't belong - marginalized or out of the mainstream - have a loss of a sense of self-worth and blame and hate others for what they see as lack of respect.  If they fail at finding where they belong, they can feel life is over, or "spoiled". He believes they are vulnerable to joining a cause, an alienated group, or a sect that promises redemption, even self-sacrifice, to a glorious cause.

 

Attention to all the external influences does not address the needs of these emotions, and can make us feel overwhelmed by powerful forces. In contrast, looking at the emotions and motives of the person leads us to prevention, early detection and opening up the means of participation in community life. The emotions of loneliness and the need to belong are recognizable to all and lead to constructive change and fulfillment.

 

What do you think?

 

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.