Loneliness - Social or Emotional?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The confusion never stops. There is a need to know who you are as well as a need to play a role in a social group. The first discovers all the ways you are, and the second, all the ways you can belong to the group. The first builds a relation with yourself. The second, a relation with the group.

Lonely

Yet "Loneliness" is used everywhere for both emotional and social needs. Maybe we should use "Alienation" just for the social need.

"Shaking off Loneliness", an article in the NY Times, 5-14-13, quotes Caciappo (2008) about the ill health that goes with loneliness: "social isolation is on a par with high blood pressure obesity, lack of exercise or smoking as a risk factor". The problem: he uses the UCLA Loneliness Scale, which confuses intimacy with a single person with social participation. Other tests make this distinction, i.e. the Social and Emotional Loneliness Scale.

In fact, his chapter titled "Knowing Thyself, among Others" is mostly about empathy for others.

Social acceptance doesn't overcome loneliness. Facebook has been shown to help social acceptance, but not loneliness. Young (2003) and others agree we have needs for nurturance and support, not just for fitting in. Andre (1991) holds up "Positive Solitude" as a virtue in which you learn to have a good relation with yourself, instead of "unproductively comparing your life with that of another". On the other hand, Laing (1965) shows how the lack of self-disclosure can lead to much outward sociability that is all "fake".

In the end, both needs are genuine: a need for uniqueness and a need to belong. They can both get along. Why confuse the two?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Encounter - Healing for the Lonely

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Weiss concluded in 1973 that he was woefully at a loss to help the emotionally lonely, the person who has no intimate, tell-the-truth companion. Yet, at the same time, the encounter group movement was in full swing, a remarkable social invention that has faded from popular memory.



Encounter



Encounter groups sprang up from earlier sensitivity training groups of the '50's and were adopted into the human potential movement of the '60's.  The idea was to become all you were meant to be, following Maslow and others.

Rules of encounter group were:

1) we only talk of the here and now

2) we focus on ourselves and our relations with others in the group

3) we express our feelings, not judgments

4) we agree to give helpful feedback to others

Helpful feedback is defined as:

• Timely and immediate, not delayed                   
• Specific, rather than general
• Invited, rather than imposed
• Descriptive, not evaluative 
• Feelings, not judgments
• Checked out, by repeating the message
• Considering the person's needs he can act on

The purpose was to discover your real self and the other's real self, and not get stuck in stories, drama, troubles, advice, and variants of other group therapies.  Exercises helped you reveal yourself.  Some groups were marathon in length, lasting 24 hours or whole weekends; others were weekly. The leader was called a facilitator, not a therapist or director.  He actually led by example: openness, trust, and honesty.

The results were remarkable.  For most, it was bliss: they could be themselves and feel validated and enlarged. All felt accepted for who they are, which was all they needed to be. The inner peace lasted for days and weeks.

The power of these groups began to be perverted by charismatic and self-absorbed leaders and they gradually faded away.  I revive their past so that you can believe that your emotional loneliness can end anytime you find a companion with whom you can speak the unadorned truth and be accepted. Only honest, helpful feedback, no advice or judgment.

Trust is established; your truths shine brightly; you see you are more than you think; you feel growing capabilities.  You are no longer stranger to yourself, or anyone, anymore.

Loneliness is overcome in short order in an honest, intimate relation.  Do you have the courage? Are you ready to sing your own song?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.