Encounter - Healing for the Lonely

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Weiss concluded in 1973 that he was woefully at a loss to help the emotionally lonely, the person who has no intimate, tell-the-truth companion. Yet, at the same time, the encounter group movement was in full swing, a remarkable social invention that has faded from popular memory.



Encounter



Encounter groups sprang up from earlier sensitivity training groups of the '50's and were adopted into the human potential movement of the '60's.  The idea was to become all you were meant to be, following Maslow and others.

Rules of encounter group were:

1) we only talk of the here and now

2) we focus on ourselves and our relations with others in the group

3) we express our feelings, not judgments

4) we agree to give helpful feedback to others

Helpful feedback is defined as:

• Timely and immediate, not delayed                   
• Specific, rather than general
• Invited, rather than imposed
• Descriptive, not evaluative 
• Feelings, not judgments
• Checked out, by repeating the message
• Considering the person's needs he can act on

The purpose was to discover your real self and the other's real self, and not get stuck in stories, drama, troubles, advice, and variants of other group therapies.  Exercises helped you reveal yourself.  Some groups were marathon in length, lasting 24 hours or whole weekends; others were weekly. The leader was called a facilitator, not a therapist or director.  He actually led by example: openness, trust, and honesty.

The results were remarkable.  For most, it was bliss: they could be themselves and feel validated and enlarged. All felt accepted for who they are, which was all they needed to be. The inner peace lasted for days and weeks.

The power of these groups began to be perverted by charismatic and self-absorbed leaders and they gradually faded away.  I revive their past so that you can believe that your emotional loneliness can end anytime you find a companion with whom you can speak the unadorned truth and be accepted. Only honest, helpful feedback, no advice or judgment.

Trust is established; your truths shine brightly; you see you are more than you think; you feel growing capabilities.  You are no longer stranger to yourself, or anyone, anymore.

Loneliness is overcome in short order in an honest, intimate relation.  Do you have the courage? Are you ready to sing your own song?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Bright Side - A Note from the Future

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Imagine you are in the future. The economy has tanked, and things are much worse now.  Unemployment is 26%; 17% of mortgages have foreclosed; inflation is rampant; borrowing is very costly; the bond market has crashed; our currency devalued.  We can no longer borrow to pay down our national debt.  2 Million are homeless.

But, we are learning new ways to prosper and be fulfilled.

Now that families have to crowd into 2 or 3 rooms, we have learned to eat together, discuss our affairs, and help each other.  With the electricity on 6 hours a day, we no longer depend upon electronic devices or spend much time on TV and the media.  We work in our garden, share cooking and cleaning, and do all the repairs ourselves.  With gas at $11 a gallon, we’ve learned to car pool with the neighbors and coworkers and share lunch treats.  We’re discovering local sports, too, like trails, biking, local teams, and pickup games of all sorts. Now that schools have little money, we are no longer under the gun with national testing, and parents have time to help their children learn, plus all the time for sports, arts, music, trips and classroom talks.  Our children see more of themselves in school since we insisted they learn useful things about life and themselves; they like school now. 

In downsizing, we have had to sell off or donate so much excess stuff that we see what is essential and most meaningful and spend more time in that.  In fact, getting by with a lot less work hours has meant a lot to ourselves and each other.  Our community has come together, too, as we not share our skills and tools around cooking, gardening, repairing, per care, heating methods – in fact, about everything. We are learning gratitude.

 

I guess this is more the way it used to be.  More sense of community, opportunity, fairness with each other, good schools, a great family life. We could use a teach-in like this every 80 years or so.

Dr. Schwartz, (The Paradox of Choice, 2004) documents how an overload of choice leads to anxiety, loneliness, stress and dissatisfaction - even depression. The polls show that the feelings that choices do matter has dropped over the years. Why?

He documents how the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment, and the more choices, the more stress and pressure. And once you reach an adequate subsistence income, further wealth shows no increase in measurable happiness. In short, an abundance of choice takes precious time, regret of lost opportunity, more uncertainty, more procrastination, more demanding choices, more risk of being let down, more responsibility, restless greed - more agony!

Paradoxically, the choices that contribute most to happiness bind and commit us passionately to loved ones, friends, work and the spiritual life - and gratitude.

About Dr. Raynard

Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Passing the Butter - An Emotional Vignette

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist



"Pass the butter", he grunted.

"It's in front of you", she sputtered,

"Where?", he bellowed.

"Behind the ketchup", she huffed.

"It's usually in the open!" he blasted.
"How open do you want it?", she sniffed.
"How about two feet away?", he sniggered.
"Whose two feet?", she mocked.
"Can't we agree on two feet?, he seethed.
"You could mark it with a pencil!", she scolded.
"Now the butter is melting", he blurted.
"From all your talking!", she belched.
"Just a bit of better butter", he joked.
"You'll find that in the frig", she intoned.
"Where in the frig?", he cracked.
"Behind the ketchup", she teased.
"Why is everything behind the ketchup?", he mumbled.
"So you'll be sure to find it", she smirked.
"Well, there's a point to that", he sighed.
"I look after you anyway I can", she burbled.
"You are so surprising", he fawned.
"You're cute too", she murmured.

                (They agree to try again)

"Honey, please pass the butter", he crooned.
"There you are", she cooed.
"Thank you", he said, blissfully.

               (Nothing seemed to work until they showed affection and gratitude)


About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

When Childen Used to Play

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

A lifetime ago, children in grade school played, explored, invented games, and entertained themselves with no electronic media or adult push.


Girls playing Clap Hands



There were 3 recess periods: mid-morning, noontime lunch, and early afternoon. School yard games were passed on for generatios by the children themselves, some games dating back centuries.

Everyone played Hide-and-Seek, Dodge Ball, Keep Away, Kick the Can, Ringo-Leary, Red Light and Red Rover, some games lasting for weeks.  Younger kids played on school sets: Swings, Teeters, Slides, Tetherball and Ladders. Girls had many involved games, like Jacks, Skip Rope, Hopscotch, London Bridge, all accompanied with involved lyrics and chants. Boys gravitated towards Shootout Marbles, Aggies, Races, Knights on Horseback, Frisbee, Baseball, balancing and daring games.

After school, the games continued on outside "till the street lights came on", or when new games took over, like biking, hiking, exploring vacant houses, fishing boating, etc.

Adults helped a bit, mostly in class. Outdoors, rarely, with baseball or volleyball. Singing in class was usually 3 times a week, using the Golden Book of folk songs from all over the world, sometimes with a rhythm band or improvised instruments. Cantatas and other recitals were held 2 or 3 times a years, directed by special music teacher. The arts were taught 1 or 2 tiimes a week, in water color, charcoal, crayon, silouettes, etc. All this, in addition to the usual school subjects.

Outdoor childhood games were killed by two working parents, TV, fear of the drug scene and predators, the media, No Child Left Behind, and video games. A centuries-old children's game culture was wiped out, like the American Indians. Extra-school activities are now highly structured, expensive, parented and pressured. School itsefl is grim, No recess, no gym, no noon break, no in-class lunch, little art or music. No FUN.  Kids now are rarely seen to play in the yards, streets, or woods, or even in playgrounds and parks. A trash culture roars out of TV, ensnaring childen in envy, distraction, loneliness, eye candy, video games and false maturity and fashion.

Play grows your curiosity and interests. Play gives you skill and confidence, prepares you to both participate and lead, and rehearses what you will love as an adult.

It will take a determined offort to overcome the machine of corporate pandering, the media lure, and the made-in-Madison Avenue youth culture. Still, play can happen anytime we show our childen these games, join in the fun, and turn them loose on their own.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling a life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Empathy - Becoming Human

by Richard C Raynard PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The scary part

Feral children - those raised in the wild by animals - some 56 discovered and known - did not become fully human despite extraordinary effort by some of their caretakers. Most did not learn language, were blind to forming relationships, and preferred the animal ways of walking, eating, and being with animals they knew early on. In the same way, orphans in Rumania that were forbidden touch or contact with their caretakes developed exploitive relations and did not develop play or enjoyment of companions.  Their mortality rates were from 35 to 70% by year 2.

In the first 5 years of life, a child learns to be human through its relation with its parents. Empathy is not only sensing the feelings of others but being able to take their perspective through imagination and experience.  Only humans can do this.

The evidence also shows it is clear that, depending on the parent-child relation - where emotional needs are handled - childeren form a very persistent world-view. Thie view can be described as entitled, self-sacrificing, shamed, helpless, abandoned, or even emotionally unreachable, among others. Or, self-confidant, compassionate, and self-directed.

The biological basis may be that human infants are birthed earlier in development and are born more unformed than any other animal.  They have few reflexes, are helpless in feeding and defecating, have few signals for showing their needs, and are unable to walk or reach. Their early experience with parents is profoundly formative.

The best part

Children can also thrive, and turn out brighter, more empathic, calmer, more teachable, have earlier identification of interests, and be altogether more resilient.  Parents can learn how to listen, encourage and guide children, as well as get the support parents need.

Imagine if mothers could have at least 3 months maternity leave with partial pay.  Childcare could be part of every worksite large enough, with a truely qualified staff to involve the preschooler in play, song, and age-related skills.  A free public-owned Parenting Life channel could convey in dramatic, real-life terms making  the very best of developmental problems in eating, sleeping, keeping clean, vaccinations, bites and scapes,pets, social skills, listening and talking, and much more.  At age 14 in high school, a basic course in human growth and development, including the fulfillment of emotional needs, is even more vital than homemaking skills, and cooking, budgeting and so on. In a few short years, teens will be hurled into parenthood, a role for which many have the least training.  And, perhaps most of all, parents could have reduced work hours, wage increases, and flex hourr for Child Time.

In these times, such common sense sounds like way-out idealism.  Such is our dilemma.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

The Need To Belong - A Homeless Emotion?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

We all have a need and yearning to belong. Whether it's a family, a work group, a club, a Facebook, a community. or a nation. Do you get it?  It is a basic instinct of all warm-blooded animals, an emotion, if you will. But, surprise -  in all our 700,000 word English language we don't have a single word for it. A homeless emotion.



Family Group
Photo Credit: agephotostock.com



I once asked for a name for this emotion in the social media. The best I got was a half-humorous, "belonging-longing".  And the need to belong gets confused with "loneliness", the need to be truly accepted by another for who you are.

At the same time, the need to belong is a huge motivation for both humans and animals.  There has been much documentation that animals that form social bonds are more likely to survive in evolutionary terms. The health consequences of not belonging are also huge: longevity, hypertension, stress hormones, poor sleep, and more. The need for belonging is vital to every age. It is critical for teens, whose emerging needs often don't fit in with the peer group.

The sheer power of belonging is seen in the fierce loyalties of tribes, clans, communities and who nations, who are willing to defend to the death the identity they find in their group. Could alienation from all groups help explain mass shootings?  From the Hatfields and McCoys, to football team loyalties, to ancient tribes, membership gives a sense of strength, safety, a shared destiny, being valued, having a place and even a sense of who you are, your Self. Wow!

But why not a name for it?  Does the emphasis on individualism in our culture conspire to overlook the "need to belong"? Or is it simply a need so widely shared, it is taken for granted? Then, again, the increase in narcissism in college-age adults and the decrease in membership in all forms of social groups has been well documented.

In any case, if we had a single word for it, we might find our planning and decision-making clearer about the choices of where to live, schooling, workplaces, neighborhoods and friends. The words for our emotional needs help other to recognize them, and help us express and justify them. Maybe we will have to borrow a word for it from another language!

"Shyness" is the title of my recently published self-help e-book that shows you how to belong. I guess it will have to do.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

How to Complain - And Still Be Liked

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Things go wrong. A delivery was way late; merchandise was faulty; a promise was broken. It's natural to get angry, especially if it's important to you. When you think of it, anger seems to be our daily bread with all the annoyances, frustrations and other foolishness everyday. Sometimes the smallest things can upset us, especially if they remind us of the bigger frustrations of the day.


Anger

 
Before you know it, you are breathing hard, heart racing, and you are tense all over. Charged with energy, you want to say something rather than nothing at all, and you might just do that before you think about it. Not a pleasant scene.

Still, you may have a chance to talk to a responsible person.  Not everyone has a portable complaint department, but you can make one.  Here is your way to take charge that respects both your anger and the other party.

1.  Speak up soon. Don't wait for your resentments to grow and emotions to boil. Complaining to someone else, i.e. bitching and moaning, is defeatist. Keep this 1-5 formula in front of you.

2.  Summarize the facts of the matter. These are points you can agree on right away. No drama, please. A long story can sound like a legal indictment. Just a sentence or two.

3.  Speak briefly about how it affected you. Say if it cause a change in plans or a disappointment. Be especially brief about emotions, as they have power all by themselves.
4.   Say clearly what steps would make it all better. This is the hardest part, and often left out by those who just want combat. It could be a repair, a refund, an understanding. Don't hold back.

5.  Ask if he/she is willing to take these steps. This ends it. It pins one down to an answer, or at least negotiation. And be sure to say "Thank you".

Notice there has been no accusation, no insinuation, no character attack.  No drama at all. You have led the way to a solution, without elaborate explanations, apologies or debate. The other party will be grateful.

On your part, you have not put it off, minimized it, distracted yourself, or "managed" it. You have used you anger well and have got your way.  You have asserted yourself. You have got Satisfaction.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Emotions Give Us Choices - Ready or Not

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Even from the first onset of an emotion, e.g. anger, we have the power to choose how the emotion will turn out, whether locked in a rigid mood (Bitterness) or transformed into positive energy (Fulfillment). Anger, by itself, does not impel us to do any one thing, because, unlike all other animal life, we have the ability to reflect and choose.  The choices of an animal are immediate, non-reflective, stimulus-bound, and instinctive - not a choice at all.


Woman on Phone
Photo Credit: WebCORB



It is also true that you can, by choice, not see choices at all.  One current, somewhat popular way to express freedom is to act impulsively in a determined way, and avoid the responsibility that goes with choice. The end-state is often thrill-seeking, addictiveness, crime, conflict, a poverty of interests and troubles of every kind. Many are adept at inventing reasons for all the bad fortune in life that results from this: a poor boss, lousy weather, lack of money, a bad mood, and much more.

In perhaps no other realm of mind are there such extreme consequences of your choices than in emotional expression and action.  Emotions are nearly pure energy that will not stay still, just as a fire can consume or serve you.  Emotions compel action that will have their way whether we pay attention to them or not.  And if they are not fulfilled, they will not just go away.  In the case of anger, the same emotion that can make us blame, accuse, collect injustices,and nurse resentment or bloody vengeance is the same emotion that fills an authentic need, with high satisfaction.

It is beguiling that many of our choices in life seem ready-made.  friends, clothes, lifestyle, home, car and other things seem natural choices.  It may be a bit harder to realize we choose our values, beliefs, and even our attitudes.  Emotions are that much murkier"  they can seem to come with no choice at all, whether we go by our gut feelings or deal with them conventionally.  Then again, emotions can be so upsetting that we wish we could be a "rock", glad to be rid of them, especially the "negative" emotions, and avoid choice altogether. 

Yet choice gives us freedom and fulfillment. Just as anger can lead to fulfilling a need, so fear mastered leads to freedom, sadness to renewal, hurt to reconciliation, disgust to respect. All the pages of this blog, my Ebooks and other writings deal with this choice.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

How To Use Active Listening To Make A Genuine Connection

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

 

Active listening is an act of love. You leave your own needs and preconceptions behind and open yourself to another's world. You take the unexpected as a gift. A trusting, open relation is born. The speaker can be him or herself with you and you've made a genuine connecton.



Woman Actively Listening To A Friend
Photo Credit: elitedaily.com



Here are the steps. Do them until they feel natural. Notice what you receive in return. Be grateful.

1. Set aside time
2. Move closer with full attention
3. Ask open-ended questions
4. Ask about his/her feelings
5. Reflect back what was said. Let the story unfold.
6. Ask what he/she has learned from this
7. Ask for his/her plan of action

How to act on these steps:

1. Being preoccupied or too busy or listening to music makes active listening impossible. You may have to fight for this time. Do it.
2. An open posture, a closer position, a stillness all convey you have time and interest.
3. This is not an interrogation, an expose, or a trap. It's, "What's up?" not "Why did you?" It is patience, a search for understanding. You let the speaker elaborate and draw conclusions - not you.
4. Asking for feelings and emotions requires that you slow down and be patient, so that the speaker can get in touch with them. Emotions tell you how and speaker is being affected and how he/she is likely to act. It is direct communication.
5. Now and then repeat what was said in the speaker's own words, especially emotionally weighted words. Reflect feelings. Show you are listening and get it.
6. Ask what the speaker has got out of it - not you, and never snap judgements or accusations. This could be the hardest part for a parent or someone especially close. Bite your tongue.
7. Asking what the speaker is going to do about it puts responsibility on the speaker. It's, "How do  you want it to turn out?" not "You have to do this..." And then you can always ask for permission, "Would you like my input?" or "Are there any other alternatives?" Or, more directly, "What if you tried this...?"

So, if you have listened well, as in Steps 1-7, then whatever you say in the way of direction, support or correction will be received in the spirit of trust and openness. A genuine connection.

 

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

What Emotional Fulfillment Can Do For You

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Emotions just happen all the time, as part of our human nature. It's possible to have feelings about anything. They are a form of pure energy that can persist, remarkably, over a lifetime. there is usually characteristic triggering event for each emotion with an immediate impulse to act in a certain way. Emotions tell us quickly our position towards this event, generally whether it is beneficial or not. Emotions are unusually persistent and do not have to be conscious to affect our thoughts, decisions and actions.


Photo Credit: womansforum.com


We are anatomically wired for emotions through ANS pathways, brain anatomy, neuropeptides, and the instinctual system. Each primary emotion can be sensed and labeled reliably by individuals. Each emotion often blends with other emotions, and we can even have emotions about emotions!

The benefit or cost of an emotion to us depends on how we act on it. Emotions not handled well become stress, which brings less energy, more upset, and less capacity to respond positively. Over time, if emotions are not integrated into our life, they become trapped in rigid moods. Moods involve emotions in a tangle of thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and action tendencies, a stuck way of looking at the world that does not allow completion of the feeling. The instinctive path of handling emotions leads to defensiveness and ultimately to rigid, stuck moods.

On the other hand, the reflective, distinctly human path of handling emotions allows their acceptance, integration and ultimate fulfillment. Fulfillment of any emotion means its purpose has been filled, the emotion completed, and its disappearance. Emotional freedom is a sense of having relatively few unfulfilled emotional claims. All emotions originate with our loves and attachments, and our happiness is their fulfillment through constant contact, skill, and dedication. The result is a sense of peacefulness - a dynamic process of regular, dependable fulfillment of our emotional life.

This series of articles will be all about how to can bring emotional fulfillment into every area of your life.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.