How To Use Active Listening To Make A Genuine Connection

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

 

Active listening is an act of love. You leave your own needs and preconceptions behind and open yourself to another's world. You take the unexpected as a gift. A trusting, open relation is born. The speaker can be him or herself with you and you've made a genuine connecton.



Woman Actively Listening To A Friend
Photo Credit: elitedaily.com



Here are the steps. Do them until they feel natural. Notice what you receive in return. Be grateful.

1. Set aside time
2. Move closer with full attention
3. Ask open-ended questions
4. Ask about his/her feelings
5. Reflect back what was said. Let the story unfold.
6. Ask what he/she has learned from this
7. Ask for his/her plan of action

How to act on these steps:

1. Being preoccupied or too busy or listening to music makes active listening impossible. You may have to fight for this time. Do it.
2. An open posture, a closer position, a stillness all convey you have time and interest.
3. This is not an interrogation, an expose, or a trap. It's, "What's up?" not "Why did you?" It is patience, a search for understanding. You let the speaker elaborate and draw conclusions - not you.
4. Asking for feelings and emotions requires that you slow down and be patient, so that the speaker can get in touch with them. Emotions tell you how and speaker is being affected and how he/she is likely to act. It is direct communication.
5. Now and then repeat what was said in the speaker's own words, especially emotionally weighted words. Reflect feelings. Show you are listening and get it.
6. Ask what the speaker has got out of it - not you, and never snap judgements or accusations. This could be the hardest part for a parent or someone especially close. Bite your tongue.
7. Asking what the speaker is going to do about it puts responsibility on the speaker. It's, "How do  you want it to turn out?" not "You have to do this..." And then you can always ask for permission, "Would you like my input?" or "Are there any other alternatives?" Or, more directly, "What if you tried this...?"

So, if you have listened well, as in Steps 1-7, then whatever you say in the way of direction, support or correction will be received in the spirit of trust and openness. A genuine connection.

 

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, I have spent the last 35 years fulfilling my life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.