Loneliness - Social or Emotional?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

The confusion never stops. There is a need to know who you are as well as a need to play a role in a social group. The first discovers all the ways you are, and the second, all the ways you can belong to the group. The first builds a relation with yourself. The second, a relation with the group.

Lonely

Yet "Loneliness" is used everywhere for both emotional and social needs. Maybe we should use "Alienation" just for the social need.

"Shaking off Loneliness", an article in the NY Times, 5-14-13, quotes Caciappo (2008) about the ill health that goes with loneliness: "social isolation is on a par with high blood pressure obesity, lack of exercise or smoking as a risk factor". The problem: he uses the UCLA Loneliness Scale, which confuses intimacy with a single person with social participation. Other tests make this distinction, i.e. the Social and Emotional Loneliness Scale.

In fact, his chapter titled "Knowing Thyself, among Others" is mostly about empathy for others.

Social acceptance doesn't overcome loneliness. Facebook has been shown to help social acceptance, but not loneliness. Young (2003) and others agree we have needs for nurturance and support, not just for fitting in. Andre (1991) holds up "Positive Solitude" as a virtue in which you learn to have a good relation with yourself, instead of "unproductively comparing your life with that of another". On the other hand, Laing (1965) shows how the lack of self-disclosure can lead to much outward sociability that is all "fake".

In the end, both needs are genuine: a need for uniqueness and a need to belong. They can both get along. Why confuse the two?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Greed - A Way of Life or a Trap?

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Envy abounds, even in the youngest. A child is so quick to grab a toy from a playmate's hand, without a thought. Squabble, tears and retaliation soon follow.

The playmate's joy in his toys makes them more desirable than his own. Neglected toys are rarely swiped. The emotion of envy grows into "What else am I missing out on?" The attitude forms, "I don't have it because they have it". Envy recruits competition and aggressiveness. In time, with the social ranking in the teens and the feelings of insecurity that envy recruits, greed blossoms. Now our sense of self-worth and importance are on the line. Greed becomes a way of life.

Mine!

Once, a bumper sticker I saw read. "What the Hell, I want it all!".

But, hey, let's face the facts! Many studies show that those who strongly value the pursuit of wealth have more depression, more physical ailments, and more relationship problems. Clinically, there is more OCD,  likelihood of ADHD, isolation, passive-aggression, poor impulse control, and more. Studies also show that, with increasing wealth, a person has less regard for another point of view, i.e. less empathy. The more materialistic, the less generous and trusting we become. Beyond caring for basic needs and comfort, pursuing wealth makes for "lower psychological well-being".

The wealthy do not play with their toys, but store them or display them.

Now and then, we dare talk about greed openly. In the May 18 NY Times, the reviewer of The Great Gatsby, referring also to "Spring Breakers", "The Bling Ring" and other movies, concludes "This is how we live: greedily, enviously, superficially, in a state of endless, self-justifying desire". But the most articulate writers are silent on this subject.

Even more to the point, Edney (2005) declares "It is time that greed be listed in DSM IV. With well directed psychological research of course greed will turn out to be a personality trait with a distribution in the population, and personality tests will be able to screen for extremes." The extreme of greed would be a personality disorder.

Well, what do you think? Do we take the mythology out of greed and treat it? Gratitude, instead of greed?

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Fear of the Worst Health Report

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Just checking

That funny lump, poor sleep, the spacy feeling all day - fear can keep you from checking it out and getting the reassurance you need.

On Health (CR, May, 2013) tells us that 38% of those over 50 have never had a colonscopy, despite 90% accuracy by screening. Fear puts off screenings and care for cancer, stroke, heart attacks and much more. And who doesn't have a fear of needles, dentists, side effects, and  hospitals? Emotional problems of panic, anxiety and depression can be put off even though these conditions are well known and very treatable. In our center's study, sufferers of panic put off their first appointment for an average of 9 years!

Fear is more than the catch phrase, "fight or flight". Please add; "freeze". This often begins a habit of actively avoiding whatever might remind you of your worry. Changing the subject, procrastinating, waiting and see, hoping for the best, minimizing, covering up, repressing, compensating elsewhere -
it's a full time job!

I would add "facing up" to the three catch phrases above. This means facing your fears of what it could be - and not be. Describing it completely, even writing your experience down, is the first step to facing up. That history could be very helpful to your therapist, too.

Second, tell someone who cares about it. You may get the comfort of someone with similar experience and good direction to a specialist. Of course, you get relief just from sharing it.

Third, get an experienced practitioner online, if you don't have one yourself. Insist on a good diagnostician if you don't know your condition. If you do, insist that the doctor/therapist have some specialization with your condition.

Then, for your appointment, bring along a your spouse or a friend. It can be reassuring to have someone who will ask questions, share what you find, or just distract you from your worries. Your partner will help you get and remember the whole picture, as well as the overall plan.

Congratulations! If you can do all the above you have earned the virtue of Courage. You have faced up to what it is, its limits, what you can do about it, and how others can help. Now you can get on with who and what matters in your life.

"Facing up" frees you.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

In Awe - The Plant Tales of New Mexico

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

A Wonder

The emotion of awe is the wondrous, sometimes unexpected realization you are part of something so much bigger.

Outside the back door of our home in New Mexico was land that I learned was undisturbed for 5 million years. Here are some of the wonders of its living plants whose ancestors were that old.

A roadside plant often grows alone, inconspicuously, looking whitish-green. It becomes surprisingly sturdy, with branches with buds at the tips, growing to about 2 feet.  By then it is chalky-white with streaks of green at the tips. The flowers, pure white, bloom only at night and close up quickly at sunrise. No bees seem to visit, but perhaps the night moth does. This solitary plant I call the "Ghost Plant".

A small nest of twigs starts in early Spring, looking quite fragile. With amazing speed, by June it grows into a miniature rounded Oak tree about 5 feet tall, without a single leaf, just pale green branches.  Its shape is globular, symmetrical, and exquisitely branched. By the end of July, it has turned, just as quickly, into a brown, still leafless statuette. This is the "Desert Bonsai".

A white buttercup starts up in late Spring, growing with others in large groupings. In about a month, slender green tendrils grow out close to the ground, sometimes leading to new flowers. These tendrils snake and weave, and grow and grow, until there is a mat woven about 2 inches thick, quite tangled and nearly impenetrable.  Such a cute beginning!  I call this "Tanglefoot".

A common plant in the high desert starts in early spring looking just like a dandelion: flat, splayed, serrated. Then a sprout develops in the middle. An asparagus? A vine? No, it grows into a tall dandelion, the same leaves around a sturdy, tall stalk. Then, in July, after reaching 3 - 4 feet, it shoots off a corona of lacy branches at the top with a burst of tiny, yellow star-flowers. The "Dandelion Rocket".

A solemn plant resembles a grouping of hands of monks pointing to the sky, cupped in prayer. They take turns  blooming, the "fingers" becoming a circle of green spikes around a pale, yellow flower, like a medieval turret. They all turn to greet the rising sun. The "Monk's Salutation".

All these wonders made me reverent and awed at the ancient high desert land and plants. I, too, evolved from some such ancient landscape, a larger whole.  I learned to tread carefully.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Emotions are Good for You - Yum!

 

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Each emotions tells you that you have a need - is that so bad? Yet emotions are often demonized as irrational, needless, misleading, negative, upsetting, and even sin itself.

Let's face it. We are hard wired for emotions.  Panksepp and others agree we share all our basic emotions with all warm-blooded animals. Emotions happen all the time and we can have emotions about anything. And a single emotion involves our whole being: physiology, sensation, brain functions, appraisal, urge to act, and the complexity of thought and belief.

Emotions

In short, emotions give us energy and direction. So what are we to do with them?

Our strongest emotions are about things that matter most to us. We have little feeling for things that do not matter. The evidence is that emotions tell us very quickly where we stand about some event, whether it is beneficial or not. More importantly, emotions give us direction and a urge to act, but of a very general sort. How we do act on them determines whether we will get upset, entangled in them and defeat ourselves - or whether they lead to satisfaction and fulfillment.

Anger tells us we are frustrated in some need, but it could lead to blame and revenge - or - to assertiveness and determination. Fear tells us to face up to a threat. Sadness tells us to let go and renew hope. Affection tells us to engage and get close to who/what we love. Each emotion has a purpose.

With no emotion, we can end up painfully bored, having no desires, distant from everyone, or incapable of making decisions.

It has taken me a lifetime to find the purpose of each emotion and untangle it from mess we make of misusing our emotions. That is the focus of my book, The Purpose of Emotions, and the self-help books on each of the 14 basic emotions.

Each emotion can be fulfilled and completed. Isn't that yummy?

About Dr. Raynard Dr.
Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Crowdfunding - Personal Support for Your Start-Up

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Now start-ups can get funded by people who just like your idea and can put up a few bucks, rather than by equity funding, IPO's and other venture capital groups.

A New Way

Traditional funding for start-up companies relies on proven concepts and the potential for big profits. It call for much paperwork - budgeting, projections, presentations - and just the right contacts. It calls for big money, too.

Crowdfunding means that you can raise money online from those who just like your idea and want to support it in a small way, a few dollars up front. Now you can reel out a great idea online, maybe one you have been thinking of a long time, and have at least the beginnings of a workable project  In a sense, your marketing has been done before the product is delivered. This is very different from the traditional marketing and public relation approach

Maybe the biggest difference is that you build a community around your project who will offer their advice and experience, and cheer you on your way. They will give you feedback as your project develops and help things move along. They don't expect a return on investment, just being part of something they believe in.

Kickstarter is one site for this grassroots venture capital. Amazingly, Yancey Strickler, its co-founder, has directed over $435 million into about 37,000 projects. You can see some fascinating start-up inventions in Popular Science (May, 2013).

You can imagine that much innovation will get under way that has bogged down from a lack of support, isolation, and needed feedback. And imagine the stimulus that comes from those who believe in you and are cheering you on!

Viva crowdfunding!

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Aging is Good Deal

by Richard C. Raynard, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Good News! As you get older, negative emotions decline and emotional well-being increases. This is based on 340,000 people surveyed by Gallup (2010), no small number.

It was in the period from 55 to 65 years that showed the greatest drop in stress, worry and anger, although all generally dropped from about age 25 on.

Satisfaction

Not only that, but marriages were more satisfying and had more positive experiences, even when the partners quarrel, according to another study. In fact, there was more satisfaction with friendships and relationships in general. It is attributed to more regular and open expression of affection, even when conflicts arise.

Social bonds turned out to be smaller, but closer with friends and relatives. Actually, he most consistent predictor of well-being for social relationships was volunteering - from lending a helping hand to doing community work.

One study sort of sums it up: people are more wise in the old age, with more ranking in the top 20% on "wisdom performance". This means, the ability to see other's points of view, to compromise, to appreciate the limits of knowledge, and manage disputes. They are open to new experiences and perspectives.

Another study found that older folk are generally happier in their day-to-day activities and when they participate in leisure and physical activities. My guess is that with age you sort out what works for you and what doesn't and that experience counts. Has anyone made a movie about this?

This may go against accepted opinion that when older, you are bound to be more grumpy, more reclusive, and unsure of yourself, and so on. Lots of movies for this genre.

You can check this out on a well-documented article in On Health (Consumer Rep, May 2013).


About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.

Is insecurity an emotion?

by Richard C. Raynard,
 Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

I believe "insecurity" is an emotion, but it is easy to get tongue-tied trying to put it into words.

I don't mean "security" as in a financial asset. Nor is it "security" in the sense of a protection system. Nor is it meaning safe and sound. And it's not like being secured with a rope.


A bit nervous

I am trying to describe the feeling that goes with caring for yourself - self-care.

One problem is that most of the words that involve attention to yourself sound - well - selfish, like self-interest, self-improvement, self-promotion, or self-love. The fact is, we do not have a single word that means just taking good care of ourselves.

If you don't know how to take care of yourself, it certainly shows. You may look helpless and childlike, as if you are flapping your arms. You make look jittery and uncertain about everything. Or, you can look like you are always in trouble from neglecting or overlooking things. If you don't like looking insecure, you may try to pull off a swagger and be mouthy to get some respect.

On the other hand, if you are secure, you know how to look after your needs. It's more than just being competent and handy.It's recognizing that feeling you need to take care of something and acting on it.

What do you think? Have I carved out a working definition of the emotion? It probably is the foundation of what we call assurance and self-esteem.

Let me have your vote.

About Dr. Raynard
Dr. Richard Raynard is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years experience resolving a broad range of emotional problems. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has specialized in anxiety and phobic disorders since 1980, he has spent the last 35 years fulfilling his life-long desire to explore and define the true purpose of emotions and how people can easily use emotions to create meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Dr. Raynard's series of books on emotions can be found on Amazon.com. His other books include Don't Panic, and Anxiety & Panic Medications.